Triggering a Chain Reaction
by Unyielding Wish
Summary: "It's just that I wandered into the wrong bathroom. That's all, that's all. Can I go now?" NaruSaku. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Right. So, I'm back with a NaruSaku fic because I just felt in the mood to. XD I figured, I needed something like a break from my other stories. But anyway, enjoy. ^_^  
**

**"It's just that I wandered into the wrong bathroom. That's all, that's all." NaruSaku**

* * *

_Brief prologue by our blond mischief-maker:_

I'm sure we all know those moments when we rush for the bathroom in a desperate urge to release our body's contents into the welcoming murky waters of the toilet. Sadly, it seems to have happened to me on a very unfortunate day.

...But maybe, just maybe, blossomed into something better beneath.

Or maybe I'm just crazy.

* * *

_Konohagakure Village, 9:00 a.m.  
_

Fifth Hokage Tsunade was looking over some very important files when a deafening thundering of feet from somewhere below the building in which she worked split the air. She muttered something to herself and rubbed her temples, sure that that was from the hangover she happened to acquire this morning because of excessive drinking last night. However, she quickly took back her assumption when it sent her eardrums vibrating furiously, but this time nearer.

Glancing up out of the window with her almond eyes, she caught a glimpse of an orange blur that sped past the building. Amused, Lady Tsunade stood up and tilted her head to the side, hoping to see the blur again.

Indeed, it was a person. A blond one at that. What was he doing, running so fast?

"Shizune," she called to the dark-haired woman respectfully standing in the room, not making a peep so far. "Catch him and call him over." She gestured toward the blond boy, who seemed to be running in circles in front of the big building.

Shizune took a look at the boy, and a startled expression settled across her face. "Yes...yes, ma'am."

* * *

Each footfall set puffs of dust rising and falling with rhythm. As much as Naruto admired his dust-rising skills, this moment required much attention and could not be ignored. Due to being prone to having instant, sudden attacks of diarrhea - this happened to be one of those attacks - he needed the medical help as soon as possible.

Really, Naruto didn't care where he ended up pooping. The only thing that bothered him - other than his current dilemma - is that once he started running today, his feet took a life of their own and would not stop.

Suddenly a dark green door popped up into his line of vision. It had a clear white sign emblazoned on it, which looked strangely like "Bathroom". Actually, Naruto wasn't sure where it was, but it just was near, barely out of his reach. In all the blur around him, and his dizziness, he could still see the door clearly.

Naruto was taking no mercy for the door.

For that single moment, he gained control of his feet once again, and charged headfirst into the green barrier.

* * *

Sky blue eyes blinked open, to stare at the comforting creaminess of the ceiling. A curious device jutted out of the ceiling, with four flat blades, but with curved edges so they weren't sharp. They were connected by a circular object that dangled from the ceiling by a metal chain.

_A waste of some perfectly good ass-wallopers. They look like some things I would use on Pervy Sage if...if he's spying on the girls in the hot springs who were destined for me...If they weren't connected to that stupid wheel. I love the hot springs, they're so full of hot girls. Hot springs...wait, actually, where am I?  
_

Naruto's strange train of thought now hovered over that question. A question mark hung ominously over the asked phrase, like a storm cloud looming over Konohagakure ready to strike.

Maybe it was the nine-tailed-fox spirit inside him, but he feared that something bad would happen to him if he didn't find the answer...soon.

Naruto scrambled to his feet and turned his head from side to side, inspecting the area he was in. He had, apparently, crashed through the green door, as pine green debris lay on the tiled floor. The tiled floor - it was swept and polished so immaculately that he could see his own reflection.

As much as he could see, there were about three sinks and five mirrors, a hand-dryer, and a garbage can which stood there for no apparent purpose. If not for the absence of stalls, he would have thought this as a bathroom.

Then Naruto caught sight of the door that was on the other side of the room, a sign taped onto it.

The words clearly read: "Girls only. If boys are discovered then they shall be beaten into bloody pulp."

* * *

_Oh, no. No, no, no, no._

Naruto peeked out from behind his fingers, and so far, the the sign had not changed into something much more merciful. He had gotten his share of being beaten into "bloody pulp" already, and he did not want to experience the utter pain a second time.

He stood there for quite a while, hoping desperately that by the time that some time had passed, the sign would have changed. No such luck.

All problems with diarrhea put aside, panic began to mount inside him, and Naruto felt the sudden urge to pee as well as poop. Just when he thought that it was safe to creep out, that nobody would notice him, that he just happened to be an innocent soul passing along - _just passing along_, he told himself - a very familiar voice sounded from the other side of the door containing the threat:

"Ino, I think this spring is warmer!"

_Hold my ramen. Isn't that...Sakura?_

"You think so?" A higher pitched voice reached Naruto's ears. There was a faint sound of a splash, then water churning a moment after. "No! Sakura, quit trying to ruin my skin!"

"Don't you know, cold things make your pores tighten!" Sakura's charming laughter rang out.

"Don't even _try_, Big Forehead!"

"You don't know anything. Big foreheads are lovely! They're a clear sign of my beauty, representative of cherry blossoms, while you...you're just a jealous pig-face."

"HEY!" And with that, the girls began to bicker.

An arrow of sheer glee coursed through Naruto. Pervy Sage would be jealous of him: he spied on the girls without them noticing! And better yet, it was during an argument. Naruto found himself vaguely wondering how many gossip points it would be worth.

* * *

_A bang and a crash. Suddenly the door flew open and a pinkette stood at the doorway with a blonde behind her, rage and tension in every part of her lithe body. Naruto was immediately pressed to the floor, and smooth hands flew over him, wrapping him in a material he never knew existed before._

_The next moment, he was in a dark basement that must have belonged to the Hyuugas, due to two pearl-white eyes belonging to a long-haired brunette staring at him in the darkness, with a blushing indigo-haired young girl behind him.  
_

_And in front of him...were the two girls who found him unfortunate enough to be passing by the 'rooms'. _

* * *

"_Explain. Yourself!_" Sakura seethed, pressing her forehead to Naruto's, fire dancing in the very pit of her blue eyes. She poked him hard on the nose, and her eyes narrowed. "Why did we find you...?"

Normally Naruto would have used this as an excuse to kiss Sakura on her luscious rosebud lips, but not now, as he saw her fury. His only wish, right now, was not to be brought to the burial grounds in a cedar box, and be dropped into a six-foot-tall hole.

Yet he was still tongue-tied at her beauty, and found himself rather wordless. The only words he found himself able to generate were the words "googlyeyedboobie" and "penisaservice" (_penisaservices_ was SO "pen is a service", whatever that meant), both of which sounded suspiciously perverted. He would have uttered the latter, if not for noticing Sakura's pale hand beginning to inch toward his throat.

Suddenly his tongue began working on its own, and Naruto found himself ridiculously caught in an intricate, tangled web of the fine thread of false stories. Currently, he heard his voice saying, "And then this big fat bald eagle dropped me into a mountain full of ashes and glass shards so I climbed out of it and then a crow said 'Hi stupid' and I followed the crow to a bottle full of pebbles and then I dumped the pebbles on my head and then it hurt so I went to Pervy Sage's shop where I got some ramen at Ichiraku's and..."

Sakura rapped him on the head. It hurt.

"Now I know what you sound like when you're lying. So what _really_ happened, huh?"

The fire in Sakura's eyes must have liked Naruto today.

"I got some ramen at Ichiraku's," he mustered feebly.

"What Naruto really means," a deep voice belonging to the male Hyuuga said, "is that he spied on you two because he felt like it. Am I right, Naruto, or must I plunge into your deepest thoughts and wishes?"

It was hard to determine any emotion in Neji's eyes, but Naruto sensed something bad.

"No..."

"That means," Sakura's grip tightened, "you _did_ spy on us?"

"I didn't spy! I was simply -"

Naruto's legs went jelly, and his sky blue eyes flew open wide. His hands shook, and everything seemed to be frozen: For shrewd Sakura had leaned in and slammed her glossy pink lips atop of his. She now drew back, traces of a grin visible on her face, not caring a tiny bit about the stares Neji and Ino were feeding her, nor the fact that Hinata fainted.

"He wasn't a half bad kisser. Oh well, that ought to get some real information out him."

* * *

**_PLEASE READ: _I'm not sure if I should continue this or not. If readers tell me to, I will, but if you like it just the way it is, well...then I'll leave it alone. Did you have a good time reading? I admit, this is really difficult, because after writing about Vocaloids - who really don't have a staged personality - I have to resort to Naruto's inner personality. I hope I didn't make him seem too OC.**

**If I did, please tell me. Hard reviews are fine, but don't make them the most harsh you can. I prefer constructive criticism type, not flames. ;)  
**

**~Unyielding Wish  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**It was my first try at a NaruSaku fic, and so many people added me to their subbies. XD Anyway, I decided to write another chapter anyway... Also, you know, the way I write is the way I write. I actually don't like how I sometimes write, hovering over a petty subject like it was of great importance. But then, it appears here, and I've tried my best to make it more evened out.  
**

**But you have to understand, in stories like this, I don't usually include much dialogue. ^_^" Sorry about that.  
**

* * *

_Chapter 2_

_Konohagakure Village, 3:00 a.m._

Sadly, Sakura's plan did not work: Instead, what happened was that Naruto spent quite some time on the ground trying to remember the events that happened before. Soon, even Hinata, who had bravely stepped forward to try, gave up on him. It was now early morning - and what was surprising was that the four had spent the entire day and night trying to coax petty information out of the poor boy, with Neji being the official litter-gatherer, only because the other three kind of chickened out and told him it was a test to find out his manly side. Neji, having been teased for his beautiful long hair, was determined to show them, and bravely volunteered for the job.

Naruto had fallen into a deep sleep three hours earlier, in which only Sakura's skull-shattering punches could wake him up. But Sakura, being tired out by the events that happened in the day, and especially fatigued when for the single frightening moment when she found out that she could not lift her lips off of Naruto's, had sunk into Dreamland only thirty minutes later than Naruto.

Hinata, Neji, and Ino knew better than to wake Sakura in her moment of need for sleep. Instead, they whispered out a conversation that sounded remarkably like this:

_"Ino, _was_ Naruto spying on you?"_

_"Huh? I don't know, White-Eyes. Why don't you ask the tall-foreheaded expert over there?"  
_

_"I don't think Neji-niisan should wake her."  
_

_"Who gives a damn? Sakura doesn't do me any good, and besides, she steals away your Naruto, Hinata. Why _don't_ you want your poop-covered cousin to wake her up?"_

_"Wouldn't Neji-niisan get killed?"  
_

_"...Oh, right. Like I cared."  
_

_"Ino, sometimes I want to slap the crap out of you with my crappy hands."  
_

_"Just you try, White-Eyes."  
_

They bickered like this until a sky blue eye opened a crack, and out came a loud yawn that snapped each of them out of their little conversation. The blond boy popped up, a big grin on his face and looking like he had absolutely no memory of Sakura's kiss.

"Well?"

A silence greeted Naruto, hanging over him like a thick, misty fog. "Well?" he repeated, his eyes traveling from Neji's to Hinata's to Ino's face, feeling that something was wrong. He especially noticed the rather bad smell of the already-musty room that wasn't there before. And the plastic bag in Neji's hands with something liquidy and brown hanging in it.

"Oh, you tell him, White-Eyes," Ino said, giving Neji a shove forward. He stepped back as soon as he went forward.

"I already passed my manly test. It's your turn to be a woman."

Ino's face reddened, and Naruto caught a wisp of purple seeping into her unhealthy face color. "Am I not womanly?"

A smug smile slipped onto Neji's face. He had dangled a fishing line into the stream with delicious bait on it; now a certain fish named Ino had caught onto the hook. "What about Sasuke?" Neji was reeling in his catch; Ino became more agitated, while Naruto simply became more confused. "Well, we'll just have to see, won't we?"

"See, see what?" Naruto asked.

Ino stomped over to him. "This," she seethed, "is why you don't trust white-eyed nerds like White-Eyes over there."_  
_

"I-I'm sure _you're_ very trustworthy," Naruto stammered.

The corners of Ino's mouth tugged up to form a thin-lipped smile. "Thank you."

Neji turned away. "While you're explaining, Inoshishi," he called over his shoulder, "I'm going to dispose of this stuff. It's going to pollute the pure air hovering the Hyuuga clan sooner or later..."

"I'm coming too," Hinata added, and darted outside, with Neji trooping after.

"Hypocrites," Ino muttered, her brow twitching. She turned back to Naruto, and pressed her forehead against his as Sakura had done. "Well, Blondie, what are you staring at?" Naruto was going cross-eyed from gazing into Ino's gray-green orbs.

"So..."

"Right." Ino jerked off of Naruto, and placed her hands on her hips. "Well, Big Forehead over there kissed you so you went out cold, and basically she fell asleep too because she was so bored of trying to ask you why you were peeking on us. And then White-Eyes, Hinata, and I talked. About random stuff. And then you woke up and disturbed our conversation. So I'm done now, and Neji had better come back soon."

There was a long silence as Naruto, for once, didn't know what to say because of Ino's stark, terse explanation. He just sat there as if in a trance, until a pinkette near him stirred.

* * *

**Sorry for such a short chapter. I had a bit of problems...and I'm sure this one was kind of boring, but I tried to drive the suspense a little nearing the end. ****And while this was all because Naruto had diarrhea...  
**

**Oh, right. I forgot about Shizune. I'll add her in somehow... Meanwhile, readers, just get yourself some milk and cheese. When you come back, I hope my chapter will be ready. (Writing chapters is really hard for me...I'm not like those daily updaters. I much prefer oneshots, but I always take the risk anyway. XD The reason why it's hard is because I lose inspiration sometimes.)  
**

**~Unyielding Wish  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Why, isn't this the little slacker! Sorry XD I was a bit into writing a bunch of Vocaloid, so... =_= Sorry for the long wait, but I'm sure you guys had other things to entertain yourselves. XD  
**

* * *

_Chapter 3_

_Konohagakure Village, 4:00 a.m.  
_

A blue-green eye opened lazily, followed by the other one. A pale hand reached up to brush cherry-blossom pink hair out of her face, and slowly the femme pushed herself up into a sitting position. Blinking slightly, Haruno Sakura adjusted her eyes to the current darkness…and found a scene that strongly displeased her.

Ino was practically _on_ Naruto, her face pressed hard to his, while the innocent blond boy pressed himself further against the cold wall, as if trying to blend in. Her long white-blond hair was untied and hung over her face, thus obscuring her expression, but—it could have been Sakura's imagination, since she was still so groggy, but—was there a tiny glint of hunger in her gray-green eyes? And was that a glint of acceptance in Naruto's—

"INO FUCKING YAMANAKA!" Sakura roared. Ino reared back in surprise and scrambled off Naruto.

Naruto, surprised at this sudden rush of freedom, quickly leapt onto his feet, but his knees buckled and he collapsed down to floor again. Weakly he looked from girl to girl.

_"Gawd, _billboard brow," Ino snapped. "What was that?"

Sakura shakily pushed herself up, only to figure out that she was panting—actually panting. In annoyance she directed a sharp glare at Ino's surprised face, wishing she could cut that face up. "What were you doing on top of _him?"_ she snarled, pointing a finger at Naruto, who had slumped against the wall.

Confusion on Ino's face cleared up; comprehension dawned. Ino smirked. "So you _do_ love Naru-chaaaaan~"

A vein popped up in Sakura's forehead, bulging larger and larger. Naruto stared at it with a strange interest. It was one of those gross and gruesome moments that you couldn't take your eyes off of something, like the time Kakashi showed them a spider's face close up. Naruto feared that the vein would burst, but yet he couldn't find his tongue, nor could he drive his gaze somewhere else, like the light at the top of the basement stairs.

"Quit. Calling. Him. 'Naru. Chan'."

"Why, of course. _Naru-chaaaaaaan_, don't you think you would like to—"

Before Ino could get another word out, Sakura's hand had shot out and grabbed her by the collar. Blue-green eyes stared into gray-green eyes, neither girl backing down.

"So now you two are getting into a fight for Naruto?" an amused, but annoying, voice sounded from the top of the stairs.

"Kiba!" Surprised, Sakura quickly jumped off of Ino, hoping that Kiba hadn't took it the wrong way and deemed it as Sakura trying to get something to happen between her and Ino, because that was _so_ not true. And besides, she didn't even have a love for the blond idiot. Did she?

Shaking her head clear of these thoughts, Sakura directed her glare at Kiba's snide gray-blue eyes. "Why are you here anyway? Weren't you supposed to be with Choji…?"

Kiba threw his head back and snort-laughed, which sounded more like a nasal bark. "Ah, the power of the virgin!"

"God, shut up."

Kiba's grin only widened. "Did you really think I was with Shikamaru? Of course not. I was talking to Hinata and Neji up there," jabbing his finger at the ceiling of the basement. "Neji said that he had to clean up Naruto's accidental poop. I wish he asked the expert, though."

"Naruto, can you poop right now?" Sakura asked sharply.

"Whuuuuuut—?" Kiba stammered, surprised, as Ino caught onto the plan and stomped up to him and grabbed his elbow, smiling evilly.  
"Hey, what the heck—"

"We're going to test how well you can clean up some poop," Sakura said, smirking.

* * *

"That…was…fucking…torture," an exhausted Kiba mumbled, his hands coated with a smelly brown substance that Neji could only describe as Naruto's biosolids. "Next time, someone else clean up that for me…And even worse, _these devils made me use my own hands!"_ he yelled, pointing at the pinkette and the blond.

"You had it coming," Sakura replied. "How I love reminiscing in these moments…"

_~Flashback~  
_

_"Oh, uh, no." Kiba backed up. "I'll…be checking up on Neji and Hinata now, aw–awright? Because it just won't do if…if a cousin has sex with—"  
_

_"All the better," Sakura interrupted, "that you'd be cleaning with your own hands. Isn't that right, Inoshishi-chan." She elbowed Ino, raising her eyebrow. Ino, catching on, nodded. If Kiba remembered correctly, this was the first time that Sakura called Ino with the suffix __–_chan.  


_"Anyway…" Nervous eyes scanned the room, trying to find a way out of this.  
_

_"You said you were the expert, didn't you?" Sakura asked, grabbing onto Kiba's arm. He was trapped…yes, trapped…in the dimension of doom…  
_

_"Well…well, only in cleaning up dog droppings—"  
_

_"Naruto's droppings are similar to dog droppings, Kiba."  
_

_Naruto opened his mouth to protest, but Sakura quickly put her hand over his mouth. "Naruto, wouldn't you poop some for us for a kiss?" Kiba immediately regretted ever saying that Neji should have consulted the expert.  
_

_And as Naruto nodded furiously, he—  
_

_~Cue Violent End of Flashback:  
_

"STOP TELLING THEM ABOUT IT!" Kiba screamed, interrupting Sakura in the middle of her relishing the details and obliviously filling Neji and Hinata in. Sakura was stretching the details…way…way…_way_ too much. Really, being "trapped in the dimension of doom"? Alright, maybe his expression, but really, it was just poop…

"I don't remember you saying that it 'was just poop' while you cleaned up Naruto's stuff," Sakura commented. _I must have said that out loud,_ Kiba thought.

"Well, I'm going to go and wash my hands."

"Can't Akamaru lick that—"

"I'M NOT GOING TO ABUSE MY DOG!" And with that, Kiba stormed away, fuming hotly.

"Weeeeeelll…" Naruto looked from Sakura to Ino to Neji to Hinata's face. "Wanna go for some ramen?" he asked hopefully.

* * *

**I am...losing...my...memory...of...Naruto. I haven't watched it in SUCH A LONG TIME, so I'm writing this off of memory. Truthfully, I like the original Naruto much better than Naruto Shippuden and so on. Same with Bakugan.**

**Sorry for making you guys wait...You know, I have another Naruto story? "Spa Meeting" is what it's called. Oh right...Spa Meeting... now four stories making me work on. Ugh, multitasking...  
**

**Anyway, review? *hopeful face*  
**

**~Unyielding Wish  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**I feel like such a slacker. Two months since I last updated? That's got to be a record. But my record of _Spa Meeting_'s unupdated state is my worst. -.-**

**Narutopedia helped greatly.  
**

* * *

_Chapter 4_

_Konohagakure Village, 8:00 a.m.  
_

"Would it kill them to open earlier?" Naruto grumbled as he stomped into the door of Ichiraku's, not even bothering to pick up a few pieces of clay pottery he'd shattered in the process. Sakura, Hinata, and Ino followed him, not sure of what to make of Naruto's temper. Neji had made an excuse to not go eat ramen, as he knew about the spices Ichiraku put in there.

"You know, it's only four hours," Sakura said, making an apologetic gesture toward Teuchi.

"Four hours is, like, what? Thirty million minutes?" Naruto had never been very good at math; his calculations weren't even _close_ to the exact thing as you could see.

"Two hundred forty," Ino corrected, taking a seat. "Pork ramen, please."

Teuchi nodded, and rushed into the kitchen to yell something to his daughter. "Right on, er…"

_"Ino."_

"Yes, right on, Ino."

Naruto plopped down grumpily next to Ino, muttering something into his jacket. Sakura, not wanting to be outdone by _Ino,_ of all the people, sat down right next to Naruto and scooted as close to him as possible. Sure, she didn't like being that close to Naruto, but if _Ino_ won Love War MMMCDLXIV, it would call for a SakuIno War MMMCDLXV. Sakura was definitely not looking forward to that again; how did the old saying go? "Peace is great"? "Love peace"? "Peace is just a nickname for 'Peaseblossom' which is a fairy in one of Shakespeare's plays"?

_Make peace, not war,_ Sakura finally concluded. Yes, that must be it.

Either way, the two obstinate girls left no space for indecisive Hinata to sit.

Naruto, seeing the blush on Hinata's face, immediately decided to give up his chair for Hinata. He jumped up from his seat and sat down heavily next to Sakura. "You can sit there, Hinata," he said, pointing to the space between Ino and Sakura.

_Ha. I win._ Sakura smirked at Ino's back, which was bent over eating ramen but who cared.

The victory of Love War MMMCDLXIV belonged to Sakura Haruno herself.

* * *

Kiba Inuzuka had a problem.

A very, very big problem.

He couldn't find a faucet with water spouting out of it.

* * *

Little did he know, Kiba wasn't the only one with a "problem", either. Shizune was desperately trying to find the "boy clad in orange" for Tsunade. And needless to say, even though she scoured the town, walking around for like four hours, she could _not_ get even a glimpse of who she searched the village for. _Come on, who usually wears orange?_

Shizune immediately thought of Naruto.

_Alright, you can do this, Shizune. So where does he usually hang out?  
_

That was harder. Shizune could think up a number of places young shinobi such as Naruto would like to be in. She knew, because a drunk Iruka had, the month before, ran into Tsunade's office with a bunch of papers screaming about how annoying Konohamaru and Udon and Moegi were. Needless to say, Shizune had looked through the papers to make sure it didn't contain any traces of alcohol, because heaven knew what Tsunade could do with liquor. And they contained some pretty intriguing stuff. Like Udon's favorite place to stay was right outside the girls' bathroom, and Konohamaru often spied with him.

Then she passed Ichiraku's Ramen shop.

There was a flash of orange inside, and that loud, boisterous voice she'd recognize anywhere.

_Of course._

"Naruto, report to Lady Tsunade immediately!" Shizune called, rushing into the shop.

* * *

"Ehhhhhhhhhmgfmfmghwg?" Naruto looked up from eating ramen, spewing nearly all of his mouth's contents over the counter. Seeing as he was in the presence of the assistant of one of the most important women in the village, he hastily wiped his mouth with his sleeve and used that same sleeve to mop the counter. Shizune grimaced.

_Never knew that Naruto was such a messy eater…well, I do now._

"Hi, Shizune," said Sakura, expertly using a napkin to dab the traces of noodle off her face.

"Hello, Sakura," Shizune replied. She looked over at Naruto. "I'm here to get Naruto…"

"Be my guest," Ino sniffed, also using a napkin, but in a much fancier way. (How could you use a napkin in a _fancy_ way? thought Shizune.) Nonetheless, Ino was wiping her lips not with a straight, simple stroke like Sakura used, but instead making some kind of pattern.

"What for?" Naruto blurted, finally finishing his ramen.

"Lady Tsunade…wants to talk to you." Shizune raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. "Don't ask me. Come on, let's go."

* * *

"So let's see," Tsunade breathed, rubbing her temples and looking at Naruto. "You…you were running around Village Konohagakure because you wanted to go _poop._" When Naruto nodded, she continued. "Then, when you got to somewhere that looked like a good place to poop, you realized it was the changing room for the girls' _spa_." Naruto nodded again. "After that, they dragged you to the Hyuuga household's basement, and…?" Her poised eyebrow told Naruto to _get straight to the fucking point, dammit._

Naruto gulped. "I…I received utter torture, ma'am."

Tsunade frowned, but wrote something on a piece of paper anyway. "Continue."

"They made me explain why, I had to poop on purpose, so I wanted to go eat ramen…Hey, did you know that Lolita teddy bears are the newest of fashion?" Naruto asked, trying to distract Tsunade with a less-than-subtle gesture.

"I don't _care_ about Lolita teddy bears, _Uzumaki Naruto_," Tsunade snapped. "What happened after that?"

"Nothing!"

"…"

"…"

There was a complete silence as Tsunade eyed Naruto in one tense moment. Even the birds in the trees stopped chirping—technically, it was Shizune that stopped their chirping because she pulled down the blinds.

"Tell. The. Truth."

"I am~"

"So you're saying that your life ended right there."

Naruto frowned, this time. "No…that didn't happen. Shizune picked me up, and here I am, and THE END~"

Tsunade sighed. This boy was absolutely impossible.

"Go on, go on," she muttered, shooing him away and making another mark in his shinobi file. Shizune hovered around.

"Don't just _stay_ there, Shizune, _do something_," Tsunade said impatiently.

"Ah…y–yes, ma'am." Not wanting to face Lady Tsunade's wrath, Shizune hurriedly scurried out of the building and to Ichiraku's. After all, a little ramen won't hurt…right?

* * *

**Done.**

**I feel so happy.  
**

**I hate the new FanFiction. Net setup.  
**

**Vote on my second poll.  
**

**~Unyielding Wish  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**Boo On You- **While I do have a hard time distinguishing between a review of harsh constructive criticism and a flame, you could tone your lecturing down to be easier to the writer. All blame I took myself, but no hard feelings. You actually helped me update faster.

* * *

_Chapter 5_

_Konohagakure Village, 8:30 a.m.  
_

"A bowl of miso ramen," Shizune told a baffled Teuchi. From what he could tell from her uniform, she was Lady Tsunade's assistant. What business did she have here? He could only stand with his mouth agape.

"Er, sir?" Shizune stammered.

Teuchi snapped his fingers, laughing nervously. "Miso ramen…coming right up."

* * *

"What is _she_ doing here?" Sakura whispered to Ino suspiciously, but the platinum-haired girl didn't respond. Her eyes were glued to Shizune's back; the apprentice was eating her ramen, chewing slowly, her mouth closed. Sakura didn't know what Ino found so interesting about an eating Shizune, but apparently she did see something that caught her eye.

"Shizune-san," chirped Ino, "want to sit here?" She patted a seat right beside her.

Shizune stopped eating and raised an eyebrow. "That's nice…uh…"

_Why can't anyone remember my name__?_ Ino demanded of herself, annoyed that she had greeted that look twice in the day in this ramen shop. "It's Ino. My name, I mean…Of course, it's not my real name—it's just a nickname—wait, no, it's…"

Shizune smiled warmly. "Thank you, Ino." She stood up and moved her food to next to Ino; Ino smirked at Sakura, who sat there with mouth agape.

Before Sakura could reply with a biting remark, there was a loud screeching sound at the doorway.

* * *

_To explain this screeching sound… _

After being shooed from Tsunade's office, Naruto wandered around like a lost soul, a forlorn look on his face, hands stuck into his pockets. _Lady Tsunade doesn't like me anymore,_ Naruto thought miserably, stopping at the area that was unofficially Team Guy's training spot. (The reason it was unofficial was because Guy would switch training areas every two days or so; the other teams eventually stopped trying to track their movement.)

He leaned against a tree, prepared to have a long nap, when something that sounded like a woodpecker made Naruto's eyes snap open again.

Guy was throwing kunai into the same tree, missing horribly on each shot.

"Master Guy?" Naruto said hopefully, drying a nonexistent tear or two from his eye.

The man's face broke into a giant smile. "Ah, NARUTOOOOOOOO!"

"Hi, Guy."

"Naruto, do you want to go on a training trip with me? Huh, do you? Do you? Let's cultivate our SPIRIT OF YOUTH! Heheheheheh. Oh and besides, did you know that I made the first corn field in this town using my SPIRIT OF YOUTH? That's right! I did! So let's go do 5,000 push-ups and 500 laps around the entire town! Ready, NARUTOOOOOOO? YOU MUST BE FIT TO—…Er, Naruto?" For the blonde-haired had a look of utter terror on his face.

"I'm sorry, sir…It's just…"

Guy's face broke into a huge smile. "Oh, but _I UNDERSTAND_, Naru-KUUUUUUUN! Let's go STALK THE GIRLS!" Immediately Naruto was snatched up by a giant hand and whizzed toward Ichiraku's.

_…I didn't mean that… _

* * *

"So that's why I'm here!" Naruto explained pompously to Sakura, Hinata, Shizune, and Ino.

_Did he get brainwashed or something? _wondered Sakura.

_I can understand that… _Hinata mused.

_…Dude is crazy in the head,_ thought Ino.

"Hello, sir," Shizune finally said aloud.

Guy looked surprised for a split second, then grinned and saluted. "HELLOOOOOOO, my darling Shizune~!"

"Hello," Shizune replied, not entirely sure of what to say other than that.  
This indecisiveness only forced Guy's grin wider.

"But of course I understand, Shizune!" he rambled on as he grabbed her wrist. "You want to go training with me and Naruto~! Isn't that _obvious_? Well, we can start out with five thousand nine hundred seventy-eight pull-ups to build your stomach muscles, fifty thousand laps around the Hokage building, and—"

Shizune jerked her hand away. "Thank you, sir, but…"

"LET'S START RIGHT NOW!" Guy chortled, running off toward the field.

* * *

Sakura flopped onto the ground, Ino a few meters away from her. "Can we stop now?" moaned the pink-haired girl.

Guy loomed over them, a disapproving frown on his muscular face. "But you two~!" he whined. "We haven't even done five thousand nine hundred and one pull-ups yet! We have a long way to go! Make use of your springtime of youth! 'A sleeping fox catches no poultry. Up! UP!'"

"I regret ever being born into a world with people like him," Sakura moaned to Ino, once Guy ran out of earshot.

"Agreed," Ino mumbled back.

* * *

A sky ninja checked the battle route. Yes, they were heading toward Konohagakure, toward the Hokage building. _Yessssss… _

"Pilot, we're ready to fly," reported another one, popping up from behind him.

A smirk crawled across his thin-lipped face. "I understand. Go get everyone; we've got some attacking to do."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

**Yikes...not even 1,000 words. Sorry, guys.**

**~Unyielding Wish  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**Boo On You- **Glad it's all settled, then. :)

**And here I present the next chapter! (And after this, I shall faithfully work on BTOAET, which all of you male readers would _not_ want to check out, nonononono. Strictly girl stuff, only girls allowed.)**

* * *

_Chapter 6_

_Konohagakure Village, 9:48 a.m. _

"Ah, GUY-SENSEI, why DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME when we are to CULTIVATE OUR SPIRIT OF YOUTH?" Lee cried in anguish as Tenten and Neji stood next to him, both of the two not knowing what to do with Bushy-Brows. He was watching Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Shizune, and Guy stand on their heads. Guy was explaining to them how standing on their heads and corn fields would be awesomer than just sitting around and picking their noses.

Guy suddenly stopped in the middle of his lecture and turned his head toward Lee.

"Oh, LEEEEEEE!" he screeched, and quickly ran to embrace his eager student. "I'm SO SOWWWY! I was so WRAPPED UP in talking about CORN FIELDS and NOSES…"

"Is he for real?" Tenten muttered to Neji, who shrugged.

"Why, OF COURSE I'M FOR REAL!" Guy said, aghast, as Sakura twitched. When _was_ Guy going to let them stand back onto their feet again.

"COME ON, TENTEN! COME ON, NEJI! LET'S SHOW THESE PEOPLE HOW AWESOME WE COULD BE!…"

Tenten and Neji looked at each other.

"At least it's not Art of Training: Dancing on Poop," they muttered to each other at the same time.

* * *

The Sky Ninja left a faint trail of white mist in wake as they streamed across the sky. Below them, the landscape spread far and wide, like a huge map. Being warriors of the sky they recognized most landmarks, having flew over them often. Konohagakure had that unmistakable mountain on which the Hokages' faces were carved upon; nobody could miss it, even someone with the worst eyesight _ever_.

They were blessed with great eyesight, anyway. Who cared.

The Soragakure ninjas actually didn't have much of a reason for attacking. It was…simply for the fun of it. Nothing like a little trouble in a few years, and the Sky Ninja were quite looking forward to the old geezer's reaction. After all, he was still the Hokage, right? He didn't die yet, right?

The view was awesome.

Then, in the distance, the sharp peaks of the mountain rose into view, shrouded in fog.

"Cloudy day, isn't it?" smirked one ninja.

"Certainly," replied another, when both knew it was a great, sunny day. Perfect for a petty war.

"Alright, positions, everyone!" called the ninja who was addressed as "Pilot". He soared past the two arrogant ninjas, and hovered in the air in front of them, his mouth drawn in a thin line. "Remember, triangular formation. If you need help, look at the ducks." This comment attracted some snickers, but the head ninja silenced them. "We will be raining bunches and bunches of fresh vegetables upon Konohagakure, and then ICBM*****, and then whatever we can find. Including chucking your fellow ninjas overboard." A clamor of whispers arose. Who would be dying today? "SILENCE!" commanded the ninja. "Now, since apparently all of you are done, let's begin!"

Immediately, ninjas scrambled to form the "duck" position.

"And DIVE!"

* * *

The sky was filled with a strange dark cloud that looked more like dark substances wriggling to fill up a space. Naruto shaded his eyes and looked up, squinting, and wondering what the _hell_ that was supposed to be.

Suddenly something big and solid hit him on the head.

Naruto winced in pain and rubbed when it smacked his hair. Said thing bounced off his raised elbow, his shoulder, and then his knee, and landed at his feet.

An onion?

That's right, it was an onion.

A perfectly glossy onion, with a beautiful purple hue and was just the type to make Naruto bawl his eyes out. Already Naruto was feeling teary. He drew a sleeve across his eyes and sniffled. Such beauty of the onion, that it was making him cry…

…And then he thought of Sakura's chest…

And then how it'd look on Sakura's chest…

_Ew, no._ Naruto cringed at the simple thought. An onion stuck in the place of Sakura's boob? Not a very appetizing thought. Especially since fresh vegetables were definitely on his list of "Do Not Like".

Abruptly a medley of loud, raucous laughter sounded from overhead. Naruto's head snapped up, and he found himself facing several Sky Ninjas, pointing and laughing rudely at the onion, each loaded with bok choy, cauliflower, cucumbers, tomatoes, radishes—and what not. Scary, scary, mean ninjas. Naruto found himself heating up in rage. How _dare_ they make fun of the beautiful onion.

Even though it's like, a weapon for them.

Onions are _beautiful, _dammit.

A Sky Ninja saw Naruto's anger, and he snickered. "How about you hand over that old man that's your Hokage and we'll leave?"

A chorus of "yeah"s echoed him.

A vein popped up in Naruto's forehead. "That old man"? What? Now it's "this old man"? _This old man, he played one, he played knick-knack on my thumb… _

No, the Third Hokage was _not_ like that.

"He's dead," Naruto said, perhaps too boldly for his sake. In fresh agitation, the ninjas began pelting the vegetables on him. Corn flew past Naruto's ear. Spinach was aimed at his stomach (but didn't do much damage because they were just leaves). Ginger hit him on the cheek.

"LIAR!" screamed one. "LIAR!"

"But the Hokage _isn't_ who you said!" Naruto insisted, feeling quite fearful of them now.

"We'll get you for this!" a ninja swooped down, and—

* * *

Naruto got the sudden feeling of being airborne.

He was handing from the talons (hands) of the ninja, blue eyes wide as he stared at the ground. Frozen in stance he neither dared to move or speak. Naruto was flying dangerously close to the ground, so he could earn some pretty bad scrapes, but just high enough to be able to receive broken bones if dropped. His stomach plummeted.

_It's unsafe. _

The ninja didn't pause. He went higher and higher, and Naruto found himself among the clouds.

_At least birds won't poop on me now— _

A seagull's droppings landed on his cheek._ Ewwwww. _

Still, what the heck. Why was he picked up like this when he was only telling the truth?

Below, Naruto could see the surprised face of Sakura, the I'm-a-little-busy-here-so-leave-your-stunts-to-yourself look on Ino's before she realized that a Sky Ninja was actually the one carrying Naruto, and then her face mirrored Sakura's; the wide-eyed stare of Hinata's, and the envious glare of Neji's. Naruto could not figure out why Neji was jealous of him; after all, _he_ wasn't in the danger of breaking his neck.

Oh, maybe he was.

A fresh delivery of vegetables flew at Neji's face.

But then, Neji was too skilled for that, because he dodged them all.

Typical Neji-ness.

* * *

Then Naruto flew over a part that was the wasteland. Or what _was_, because apparently the Sky Ninja had turned it into a temporary camp, and then…terror rose into Naruto's throat…there was a huge pit, originally used for mining, but now sharp spikes penetrated from it.

The ninja stopped and hovered in the air right over the tallest spikes.

"See that?" he taunted Naruto. "See that? If you don't tell the truth now, you'll be…"

"But he's _dead_!" Naruto objected.

He shook Naruto back and forth, vigorously. "Say that again, and I'll—"

"Lady Tsunade is the Hokage now! I mean—"

The grip on Naruto's clothes loosened. Naruto's eyes widened. The next thing the ninja said sent chills crawling over Naruto's skin.

"Tell…the…truth."

Naruto's tongue flicked on his dry lips. He _was_ telling the truth, but these stupid ninjas…what was _up_ with them? They were so intent on making Naruto say that the Third Hokage was still alive, but…

Could he lie?

Just for once?

Because his life depended on it?

A thought of Minato flew into his mind. Would his father let him…?

A funny feeling was just starting up on his abdomen.

_Oh, please. Don't let it be… _Was diarrhea working up again?_ No, no, no,_ Naruto prayed. Not in this moment. No, he was _not_ going to poop in his pants, like sorta last time. If he could just forget the subject of diarrhea and concentrate on the thought of hot girls. But this time it was more urgent.

Naruto took a deep breath. _Might as well poop as I… _ "The Third Hokage is dead."

* * *

And suddenly he was flying.

Flying?

Yes, flying.

Plunging, actually, right into the pit of the spikes.

* * *

**LALALALALALA~~~~~ So what will happen? Will Naruto die skewered or will he live, some way? Will diarrhea get in the way, as it always does? It's yours to guess...until next time...Oh, I'm just so cruel. XD**

*** ICBM - Intercontinental Ballistic Missile(s). I got this as a reference from "Senbonzakura", a Vocaloid song, not Byakuya's zanpakuto XD  
**

**~Unyielding Wish  
**


	7. Chapter 7 Final

**After I sat around for a few days, I figured it was no use, so I promptly began on this. This is the last chapter...I hope. **

* * *

_Chapter 7 _

_Konohagakure Village, 10:00 a.m. _

The world was revolving in slow motion.

Naruto was falling, slowly, painfully, toward the tallest spike which-he-was-surehewouldpuncturehimselfon .

The funny feeling never left his abdomen.

_Stuuuuuupiddddd diarrhea, I'm nawt afraid of youuuuu. Bring it onnnnnn, _a part of Naruto slurred.

And the other part? It was just plain scared.

Suddenly there was a huge sound coming from his butt that sounded like something exploding.

No, it was not a fart.

It was, rather…

Naruto glanced back, and he gulped. For what he saw was nothing less than his beautiful tender butt. Naked.

Splattered with poop.

And there was orange cloth on some of the spikes—_hmm, how did that happen?_

He didn't have time to think about this, because he was falling headfirst toward the spikes.

* * *

**BAM! **

_CRASH!_

_**BOOM!**_

* * *

Naruto skidded to a stop on the direct other side of the pit. The skin on his hands were raw and bleeding; large gashes and purple and blue and black bruises were scattered everywhere on his body. Several burns were wrapped around his neck, as if serpents trying to suffocate Naruto. He was naked from waist down, and it didn't help one bit that sharp pains emanated from both of his bare feet. A bump jutted out where it wasn't supposed to be on his right foot; Naruto could only hope that that wasn't bone.

The Sky Ninja who had come out to watch the fun were splattered with poop. Watery poop.

Their eyes were wide with shock, and they could only stare at Naruto with mouths agape. Naruto followed their gazes to the pit of sharp spikes; a thick laughter gurgled in his throat when he realized what happened. He had pooped. The diarrhea in his body had stayed too long, and had gushed out when he was just about to die. His pants and sandals were blasted off in the process. The spikes were now coated with Naruto's excrement.

With some difficulty Naruto climbed back onto his feet. The worst had passed. Now all the Sky Ninja had to do was to cross the pit. Most of their flying gear was gone (were they well equipped at all for this skirmish?) and thick brambles and bushes poked from all sides of the mine. Unless they were to pick their way through the tangled, dried, thorny plants, and risk losing Naruto in the process because he knew Konohagakure like the back of his hand, Naruto was definitely not going to be caught—and he had to admit to himself he was quite pleased at the thought. Naruto stuck his tongue out and wriggled his hands at the dumbstruck ninjas. _Hah. _Arrogant idiots. Even though he was injured, it was quite a treat to watch their knees knock together.

A tall ninja stepped forward. "Where," he demanded, "is the old geezer?"

"Can't threaten me now!" Naruto responded gleefully, glad that he was safely on the other side of the pit.

"Tell me, Naked Butt, or I'll send the ICBM on you."

Naruto was puzzled. "ICBM?"

The ninja smirked. "Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles." He grimaced as he wiped off some of Naruto's poop on his arm. "So you gonna give up the location or not, Naked Butt?"

Naruto was getting heated. _He's calling the future Hokage "Naked Butt"? _"The…Third…Hokage…is…dead," he said as calmly as he could, which made his voice quite strained and he sounded more or less like a strangled chicken when he managed the word "dead."

The ninja's hands flexed, as if he was enjoying a chance to tear Naruto's head off of his neck. "Yessssss?" he repeated.

"He's dead."

"I know you're hiding him somewhere." His sharp eyes, dark as coal, scanned Naruto's figure. "So there," he added triumphantly. "Give him up."

"You—my ass—your—…" Naruto sputtered. "I _told_ you, he's _dead_!"

The ninja was just about to say something, when another ninja ran into the camp, eyes wild. "YOU SHOULD SEE THAT LADY BACK THERE!" he hollered. "SHE PLAIN KILLED THIRTY OF OUR NINJAS WITH JUST ONE PUNCH! AND SHE HAD THE HOKAGE'S SIGN! RETREAT! RETREAT!"

And therefore, Naruto was left standing all alone.

…Awkward.

* * *

"NARUTO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU GODDAMNED DOLT, YOU…" Sakura screamed as she bandaged Naruto's foot. It indeed had been broken badly and she was in no mood for mercy. She attacked the foot with vengeance, wrapping it with layers and layers of gauze and pads.

"What did my foot ever do to you?" Naruto mumbled, but it was lost in Sakura's yelling.

"I WAS SO DAMNED WORRIED, DID YOU KNOW THAT? Huh? DID YOU?" She shook the blonde vigorously back and forth, only pausing to wipe a tear off her cheek. "I THOUGHT I WAS…"

Naruto waited, elated, for her to say something romatically cheesy.

"…I THOUGHT I WAS DESERTED BY MY LAST TEAM MEMBER! AND BE THE ONLY TEAM 7 MEMBER! Do you _know_ what torture that'd be?"

…Oh.

"And then I thought about what I'd have to do alone with Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura snapped as she ripped off yet another length of gauze, dipped it in alcohol, and wiped it furiously on Naruto's (bare) chest. "I mean, it's alright and everything, Kakashi-sensei means well, but _HE'S TOO INTENSE SOMETIMES!_ Sure, it's not Guy-sensei, but he's so _weird_! And what would I do without y—…" She blushed and quickly put the bandages away.

Naruto by now had caught onto Sakura's pattern of ranting, and he was really curious to hear what she's say next.

"As a…punishment," Sakura was now mumbling, her face cherry-red, "I want you to go on twenty-five fancy dates with m—…NEVERMIND! THAT WAS A TYPO! MISTAKE! Go on those dates with…er…uh, TENTEN! Yeah, TENTEN! And while I cower in jealousy, she can…NONONONO, FORGET I SAID THAT!"

Naruto's eyes were wide as a dishpan.

"A DATE?" He jumped out of bed, heedless of the pain, and clasped her hands. "OF COURSE I'LL GO ON A DATE WITH YOU, SAKURA! I'll hurry up and get all of my money…"

"NO, DON'T!" Sakura jerked her hand away, redder than ever. "It was a mistake. A MISTAKE! Now get back into bed before I'm charged with patient abuse—"

"OH, SAKURAAAAAAAA~~~~~~~~!"

"Shut _up_, Naruto!"

"I HAVE 10 YEN! I CAN TAKE YOU OUT!"

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE POORER THAN HELL!"

Thus, the afternoon passed in this way. Many happy, fancy days followed.

* * *

**_Very_**_ brief epilogue indeed, by our fellow pinkette healer:_

_…_Idiot.

* * *

**DONE. DONE. DONE. DONE. DONE~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Ending was lame.  
**

**Who cares.  
**

**10 yen is like, not even a cent in the US...XD Wait, maybe it is. Yeah, I think it's one cent. :3  
**

**Read and review!  
**

**~Unyielding Wish  
**


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